Best viewed using IE in 1024 x 768

Illinois tourist rules
2002-04-03 @ 8:51 p.m.
Diaryring of the Day:
Now Playing:

Oh my god, I am going to scream.

The videopimp window is still telling me Invite only. Dammit, I luv that room. I need my Jimmy Fallon Halloween clip. AHHH!!!!!!!!! Whatever ass decided that he was funny, is going to get his ass beat. I need my music videos!!!!!!

Now that I'm somewhat angry I thought I would post a little home state humour.

Illinois Rules For Tourists:

1) Don't order steak or pasta primavera at Denny's, it's a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you upset the Mexicans in the kitchen they will kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at the names of our little towns (Sandwich, St. Elmo, Gays, Reddick, Dongola, Dupo, Paw Paw, Boody, Farmer City, etc.) or we will just have to kick your ass.

3) Don't order a can or bottle of soda here. It is called pop. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as Midwesterners. We are from Illinois and we can kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense. We have to make a living here. Naturally we have small lapses in judgment from time to time, but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state just to run for the senate. If someone tried to do that we would kick her ass.

6) Don't laugh at our cornfields or our Lincoln Log home. Anything that inspires tourists to buy 50,000 post cards can't be bad. And in Chicago don't point and laugh at the sculptures or we will kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here or we will kick your ass.

8) Don't order the fruit plate for desert. Order a steak and a potato or pizza for dinner and then have cheesecake or we will kick your ass.

9) Don't try to fake a Chicago accent. We don't have an accent. Do not mention Al Capone, he's dead and you will be too after you get your ass kicked.

10) Don't talk to us about how much better things are where you came from because we know better. Many of us have visited big city hellholes like Detroit, Cleveland, New York, Philadelphia, and Los Angeles and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here O'Hare is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

11) Don't complain that Illinois is flat and that there are not enough trees. If you whine about our scenic beauty we will kick your ass all the way back to San Francisco.

12) Don't ridicule our mannerisms. We speak only when spoken to. We know where we are going and we want to get there now. We mind our own business because that's what civilized, educated people do. Behave yourself around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they will kick some manners in your sorry ass just like they did ours.

13) So you think we are quaint or losers because some of us live on a farm? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, crime infested cesspools like New York or Los Angeles. Make fun of our tractor and we will kick your ass.

14) Pronouncing the 's' at the end of Illinois is not funny. Doing it will get your ass kicked.

15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come here and tell us Chicago is full of gangsters. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked).

14 reminds me of when I was at Brown University and the guy pronounced the s and I almost went spastic. I did tell him that the s was not pronounced, but it bothered me for the rest of the week. 7 reminds me of the stupid idiotic girl from Texas who didn't know that it got this cold in Milwaukee (where I'm at for school). It was like, hello?? how stupid can we be??? It's November in the Midwest, sandals, midriff top and a windbreaker are not going to cut it. especially when everyone else has the winter coat, gloves, thick socks, etc. I still want my videos though. I'm going to have to find that person. Hopefully it'll be up soon.

<<< || >>>

< # Online Diaries ? >